How does one deal with a problem like my father?

I should explain the problem is the relationship with my father, not that my father himself is a problem.

Liza and I went to my aunt and uncle last night (my aunt is my father’s older sister and only sibling). It was the first time in years that I’ve seen them (the stress of the relationship, or lack thereof, with my father has caused my sister and me to drift from his side of the family). I learned a few things about my father — my stepmother’s name, and I suspect she’s not too much older than me (within ten years, I’m sure), and my baby brother is about to become a big brother himself (making me a big brother three times over; and, according to my aunt and uncle, my father is happy).

Now, I could rail against the injustice of it all, explode in a fit of anger exceeding all of my outbursts from the past. I could attack my father for not being a father and a parent to my sister and me, yet he has decided to have a second family and give my brother and possible brother or sister the attention he did not give my sister and me.

I could very easily fall into that frame of mind.

But I won’t.

It’s for one simple reason — I have to accept my father for who and what he is. I know very well he loves us, and that he has had a hard time coming to grips about how to deal with the relationship we had when I was a teenager and my sister was a preteen. The relationship was contentious and competative. I felt I had to constantly prove myself to Dad in order to gain his approval or, adversely, completely not live up to my potential (high school) in order to just gain his attention. I suspect my relationship with him was similar to the relationship he had with his parents — only he had constant contact with them.

So what am I to do?

I have to accept Dad and I will always have differences (which I had to accept about Mom, too — but I had more exposure to her to work those out), and that I may not approve of things he does (and that isn’t to say I disapprove of his marriage of my half-siblings), but he is my father and I’m willing to work with that. I hope he’s willing to work with the fact he’s dealing with an adult (two adults when you add my sister to the equation) and our relationship is going to be intrinsically different than it was when when I was a teenager.

Dad, if you’re reading this: I do love you. We have a lot to work out, but I’m willing to do it if you are. I think we have a lot to offer to one another, and to our respective families considering you will probably be a grandfather in the next five years or so and I have sibilings who’re young enough to be my kids (and, to be fair, you’ve never been the hippest person… maybe I can help with that). We have a chance to repair this. It won’t be easy for any of us, but I think it would be worth the trouble.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.